All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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