apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
you're hired as official boob wrangler
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize