Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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