I am puke
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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