and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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