Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
