threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
