I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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