You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
