I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
