she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
