Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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