So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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