Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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