We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
