my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
