my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
