My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
There's always time for handjobs
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
