My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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