He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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