You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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