I wish I could teleport
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
