i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
