It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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