The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
