I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
