Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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