I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize