You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
