I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
