Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
