whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
