Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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