I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
This is my gift to your gina
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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