The maid of honor just puked.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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