We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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