So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
