I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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