i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
