You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
