Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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