this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize