Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This is the high leading the old right now
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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