O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
