Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There r osticjed everywhere
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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