If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
