So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I deserve this hangover.
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