I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
