you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize