dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
