He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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