she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
