I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
