Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
