I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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