i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
