please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
