so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
