I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
