You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize