im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
