remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I smell stomach acid.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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