I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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