We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
porn star boner night. come get it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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