You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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