Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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