Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
