Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize