look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
