Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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